[Gamma on...] Cigarette review, Round 1

I’m finding more and more that my cigarettes are harder and harder to find outside of the three places I constantly buy them from.  Fearing the worst, I started sampling other brands and types of cigarettes to see what all there was out there, and if anything stacked up to my beloved Camel #9 mentholated 100’s.  Sadly, our little blog isn’t what you’d call “profitable” or “a business” or even “read by anyone we don’t know”, so en lieu of charging things to the company expense account I had to spend out of petty cash.  And by that, of course, I mean I picked coins up off the ground until I could afford stuff.  Due to my financial constrictions, the list below is a bit short and by no means comprehensive.

305s
                I wanted to start things off in alpha-numeric order, so I began with some 305s.  Being a fan of menthol, and not wanting to bother with every variation of each brand out there, I got the 305 menthol 100.  And by “got” I mean that someone left a half smoked pack on a table at Starbucks that I claimed for myself; all in the name of science of course.  I’m told they’re on the far end of cheap.  I could not have been less pleased.  These rolled up wads of detritus taste like the collected butts of 10 year old seaweed cigars were left to soak in the vomit of a bulimic man made out of candy canes.  They were harsh, not at all smooth, and left an after taste that reminded me of corpse breath.  The squishy kind of corpse, not the “still recognizably human” kind.  I smoked one, and threw the rest in the trash.  I do not recommend them to even the poorest of smokers looking for a fix.

Benson & Hedges              
Next up on the list we have a little bit more of a pricey item.  Benson & Hedges are around 8 bucks in these parts, but to be honest you’re getting what you pay for.  A pack of the menthol 100s ran me 7 dollars and change, but the bad taste in my mouth from shelling out the extra cash was soon replaced with a pleasant, albeit somewhat strong, taste of high quality tobacco.  I wouldn’t make a habit of smoking them, not just because of the price, but because they are a bit stronger than what I prefer, but I can safely say they are a brand I wouldn’t mind smoking again.  The flavor was very much on the natural side of the spectrum, not very chemically at all, and the menthol was crisp and delightful.  Like a fresh sprig of mint in an afternoon mojito.  Oddly, I found they didn’t leave too much of a smell on my clothes after smoking them.  Not sure if that was the cigarettes fault or if I simply can no longer smell things that aren’t a clove of garlic.  Either way, I’d recommend them to our more well off readers.

Camel
                Normally I smoke Camels, but I wanted to try another type of this brand, for the fuck of it, so I bought a pack of Turkish Royals.  I’m not a huge fan of non-mentholated cigarettes, but Kahlib seems to enjoy this type so I gave it a go.  They ran me around 6 dollars, and I couldn’t find them in 100s.  While I was disgruntled about the size, I did enjoy what the Royals had to offer.  They have a strong taste, but with a sort of chocolaty sweet finish.  You can definitely tell your smoking Camel tobacco, but the higher grade stuff.  They were, in the end, a little strong for me, but not harsh.  I’d recommend them if you like a upper-middle range cigarette and enjoy the fantasy of being Turkish nobility. 

Djarum
                When I started smoking, some 12 or so years ago, I started with Djarums.  They were like smoking candy.  Very harsh, cancer causing candy.  Excited to relieve my high-school years of smoking in the bathroom, I set out to find a pack of cherry flavored Djarum.  I had to track down a liquor store that still carries them, as clove cigarettes seem to be illegal or some shit now.  They’re cigars now, or so I’m told.  Either way, they cost me about 10 dollars for a pack, a fact I was less than thrilled about.  Still, I was damned determined to reminisce in a public restroom so I paid the woman behind the counter and went to the mall.  In the men’s room stall, I rediscovered the strong, harsh burn of cloves.  I’d forgotten that the filters actually were sweetened and left your lips tasting like sugar.  I’d also forgotten that the sheer strength of cloves was enough to burn my throat to the point of being unable to speak for a few hours.  I finished half of my clove before mall security dragged me out and confiscated my pack.  Just like high-school.  Oh the memories.  While the cloves are very harsh, and do tend to last around twice the time it takes to smoke a regular cigarette, they are rather yummy.  I’d recommend them as a once in a while buy for our sweet-lovers out there.

Kool
                Going into this, I knew I wasn’t going to like these.  Even the look of the pack made me want to not smoke them.  Who the fuck thought it was a good idea to name their cigarettes “Kool”?  Everything about it had me upset.  In the interest of having something to bitch about, I gave them a go.  The price wasn’t all that accommodating, around 7 dollars for some menthols, but not much more expensive than what I usually smoke.  Well, I didn’t like them.  They were harsh and strong and the taste was tolerable at best.  I felt like I was rinsing my mouth with Listerine, too much synthetic menthol flavor for my pallet.  The aftertaste wasn’t so bad, but I’m not smoking so I can have a pleasant taste AFTER I’m done smoking.  That’s what alcohol is for.  They tasted more on the low end of tobacco, and with their price nearer the high end cigarettes, I was not thrilled.  Fuck Kool, they’re shit.

Marlboro
                Marlboros are one of the more recognized brands out there, so I gave one of their less popular makes a go.  I picked up a pack of Black Menthols for about 6 dollars, not a bad price.  I wasn’t all that disappointed.  They were strong, as denoted by the Black, but not as harsh as I expected.  They were still fairly harsh compared to some of the other choices out there, but for a pack of Blacks, they were more on the mellow end of harsh.  The taste was fairly good as well.  Not too mentholated, although definitely chemical tasting, and not really a nasty aftertaste.  I’ll say that I have smoked the 22s before, and I think I prefer the Blacks to the 22s.  I would consider these an acceptable alternative to my brand should the need for another option arise.

Newport
                Oh lord.  I didn’t know much about this brand going into this purchase.  I make it a habit never to talk too long with the clerk who I’m buying cigarettes from, lest they think it’s ok to talk my ear off since I buy cigarettes so often.  The lady behind the counter decided now was a good time to tell me about her day and her work when I went in to get some and asked her what her thoughts on the Newports were.  She told me exactly nothing about the brand and everything about how her boss treats her like a slave… FOR 45 CLITTING MINUTES.  No joke.  I bought a coke and some chips to pass the time while she was talking to me.  Needless to say, I wanted a fucking smoke after that, and after paying 8 cunting dollars for this pack, I expected to be lifted off my world weary feet and into nicotine bliss.  Instead I got a mouth full of cat litter.  Newports taste like cat litter.  That is not an artful metaphor or some allusion to something.  They taste the way that cat litter tastes.  Yes, I know what it tastes like and no, I don’t want to talk about it.  They were nasty and disgusting, although not harsh.  If you want to smoke kitty litter, buy these.  Otherwise, stay away.

Pall Mall

                Before I knew the bliss of Camel 9s, but after I stopped smoking cloves, I smoked Pall Malls.  They’re cheap, they have nicotine, and they come in 100s.  It was more of a matter of survival back then, so I thought I’d revisit and see how they stacked up now-a-days.  They are exactly how I remember them.  They’re not harsh, and they’re not tasty.  They are simply tobacco, processed with the average amount of chemicals with an average amount of taste.  Not terrible, not great, just fucking middling.  I can’t recommend them, unless mediocrity is your thing, but neither can I caution them against you.  They’re just normal old cigarettes that come in regular, menthol, and lights.  Nothing spectacular, but better than fucking 305s.  At about 4 dollars a pack, they’re a better choice for the price range I suppose, but that’s not much of a comparison.

And that does it for a random selection of smokes on a small swath of money.  Honestly, I’d have liked to try a larger selection, and maybe include some cigars, but for the money I had to work with I feel I got a fairly varied selection.  Eight is pretty varied, yeah?  For my money, I’m going to stick with the Camels.  Still, there are a lot of other brands out there.  Let me know in the comments if there are any other brands you’d like to see reviewed and I’ll get to work on round two.