[Johnathan on...] Subjective Importance

I suppose I’m writing this for fun.
     I’m not sure what keeps me "down to earth". It's probably my consistent conscious experience, however I feel this is a flawed system. I dislike being "restricted" to my everyday life. I'd much rather live my thoughts and dreams as if they were real. I don't see a place for this kind of "thinking" in today's life. People constantly riding the stream of reality without questioning the nature of the stream itself. I can't help but look at the world from a physicist's prospective. One in which only facts matter, facts that explain what it is that does matter. However subjective this may sound, I believe the term "matter", or what it is that is "important" should come from just that; subjectivity. This prospective explains more however, such as what it means to exist, and what it means to be simply "aware".
This idealism seems to be too "deep" for everyday importance. I feel subject to difference. I feel I shouldn't have to "change" my understanding in order to function in a social manner. I do however understand the necessity of this "down to earth" prospective. We obviously require it to grow and function properly in a society. Still!, people seem to take this socialistic perspective as what is REAL. I can't help but be bugged by this. Why can't we all understand that yes these things matter, however a greater understanding of why these things exist in the first place; I believe, should also be important.
     I suppose everybody is different, I suppose I am generalizing these terrestrials. I suppose even the average Joe does indeed take time to consider such a relative idealism. I don't even know what I expect out of such people. I guess a lack of ignorance would suffice. This leaves me where I began... with myself. Don't assume that I don't indulge in such "insignificant" activities myself. Because I do. Anyone that knows me knows that I act just like any other kid my age. However this "casual" life that I live bothers me at times. It really does. For example, I often get mad at myself for playing video games for over an hour. I do this because I think what's the point really, I don't wish to conform. I feel I will get lost in a materialistic world like everyone else if I persist. The moments that I value are moments in which I am fully conscious "aware" of my existence, and the existence of my surroundings. To put it plainly, humans are not "fully" conscious every moment of waking life. It's like subtle fade between instinctive actions/ thoughts and an actually aware observer. The fact that we go about most of our day in a somewhat controlled or "pre-deterministic" manner bothers me. And I’m sure you can see why. It's the idea that our brains think for themselves; in-a-sense. Only when one stops and observes does one have full control of not only his or her thoughts, but reality itself. However irrelevant it may sound, this is what I value. I already know that free will is real, (or at least the illusion of will) and that our "will" is directly reflected on reality though observation itself. These kind of insights that come from modern physics are what make me feel safe, or less likely to get wrapped up in a "fake" reality. Call me paranoid! Call me crazy! I love such judgments.
     What is more important however, is acceptance. Not only acceptance with the world we dwell in, but acceptance of the wonder it embodies. I find myself most happy when I can "see" this wonder. Examples would be listening to my favorite track while smoking a cigarette on the night time highway. The reasons these specific events please me is irrelevant. What matters is that I understand what it is about these events that fill me with joy. This may sound similar to the "conformity" that I spoke of earlier in regards to playing video games for hours, however there is a very important difference. In activity "a" I loose grips with reality and I am sucked into a virtual world that pleases only my immature nature. In activity "b" I am fully aware. I am fully aware of my conscious reality and it's composition, an epiphany then arises. One that involves astonishment, acceptance, and great value. One that pertains to the way the universe has come to be at that very moment.